Yesterday I had to come to terms with something. Yesterday was a very powerful and moving day for me. It brought up so many things I have been thinking and dealing with lately. This realization is something that is heartbreaking, crushing, and defeating. At the same time it is something that inspires and motivates me.
I am not the mom I want to be. That is the honest, blunt truth. Now, this doesn’t mean I am not a good mom. I am a good mom, just like the vast majority of moms. When I say I am not the mom I want to be I mean that I am not the Christian mom I want to be. At least, I am not a good enough Christian mom.
Pretty much every mom I know has thoughts all the time that they are not good enough. Most moms are always striving to be a better mom, or at least wishing they were. This is so normal and it is great that we are trying to be better for our kids. Yesterday though, I really came to terms with the fact that I am just not good enough right now. And, it wasn’t the normal, everyday thoughts. I get those everyday thoughts all the time. I usually push them to the side and say to myself, “You know what? You are a good mom. You are doing great things with your kids and you love them.” This time though I couldn’t push it to the side. The cold, hard truth hit me and wouldn’t release me. It is a good thing it wouldn’t let go because I had to really evaluate who I am not only as a mom, but as a Christian as well. The problem isn’t that I am not a “good mom.” The problem is really that I am not a good enough mom for what I want to be in God’s eyes.
I grew up attending church pretty much every Sunday. That’s just what you do in the South. However, I wouldn’t say that my family was very religious. We didn’t usually pray before meals, there was no family Bible studies, and it wasn’t talked about very much. We made a birthday cake for Jesus each Christmas and we went to church. That is about it. So, for my entire life I have never really spread my faith into all areas of my life. It was mainly just a thing I did on Sundays with occasional prayer scattered in.
I don’t want my kids to grow up in a lukewarm faith home. I am grateful that my parents brought me up in the church, but I want a to have more conversations and actions surrounding the gospel in my home. I need to start some new habits and fully embrace my faith. I need to set a better example for my children so they are able to more fully walk in their own faith. I am generally a nice person. I try to never be rude, always use my manners, I try not to judge others, and I give people the benefit of the doubt. In high school and college I did a good amount of volunteer work. Then, life happened and for some reason I have barely done any volunteer work over the last decade. Maybe I viewed my job as the way I was giving back. In college I even had a dream to start a nonprofit one day. I have often wondered what happened to that girl. If I want to truly follow God’s will I am going to have to make some improvements and go above and beyond the normal, everyday kindness.
I want to be more giving. I want to be more loving. I want to be kinder. I want to be less judgmental. All of these things are not just for my kids, but so that I can have a positive impact on others as well. I want to do more work with people who need it. I want to be less selfish. I want to give more money and more of my time to people. I really want to get to know people and focus more on people instead of things or what cool experience I give my kids next. We need to get to know people. We need to help them and we can’t just sit back and say, “I feel good because I give money to charity.” Charitable giving is great, but your time is much more valuable than your dollars in most situations. I want to not only show my kids how to do all of this, but involve my kids as well.
I want to be possessing and living God’s will so much that it is just rolling off of me. When I walk into a room I want people to instantly know that I am a Christian. People will be able to see God’s love for them through my love, warmth, and giving.
I’m not a good enough Christian mom. I’m not praying enough, having my kids pray enough, or teaching bible lessons at home. Basically, I am not embodying the gospel in everything I do. I am going to set a goal to slowly work on adding these things into our routines. I have a lot of work to do.
This is going to be hard. It might be harder than anything I’ve ever done. There already seems so little time left in the day. I am going to have to give some things up in order to make room for the things I need in my life family’s lives. It is so hard to break lifelong habits and routines. It is so hard to try to force the negative aspects of your personality to morph into something more positive. Parenting is hard in and of itself, but parenting to God’s will and fully embodying the teachings of the Bible is even more daunting. You have to transform yourself, step out of your comfort zone, and even go against societal norms at times.
Now may the God of peace equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him. Hebrews 13: 20-21
I will try to share, either through the blog or through my Instagram account, the steps I take to try to achieve these goals. I am sure I will have many failures and successes. I wish I could say that I will go through every moment of this endeavor filled with positivity and joy, but I know myself and as much as I would love to be an optimist, much of the time I am not. So, wish me luck and if you have some time please lift me up in prayers, because I am going to need them.